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A Story In Which People Give Up Jobs For Each Other

King Vikram hauled me on to his back, his eyes red with bloody intent.

- O King! I said. You are mettlesome but your mettle is worthy of appreciation. I will now tell you a story. At the end of this story, I’ll ask you a question. If you know the answer and speak it, I’ll fly away. However, if you know the answer and remain silent, your head will burst into a thousand pieces, in which case you will find it impossible to comb your hair properly.

The King walked on silently, but I began my story.

-Listen up O’ King, I said. Not very long ago, there was an honest man in one of those small towns that make up so much of our large world.

Now, this man, whose name was Kapil, never told a lie. To give just one example, when his computer broke and he took it to the manufacturer store to get it fixed, he began his complaint by saying, It was my fault.

Kapil’s honesty was only matched by his diligence. He worked tirelessly throughout the day for he had to support his parents who were now retired.

One day he received a job offer from the city of San Francisco. With the offer letter was a photograph. In the most enticing hues, it displayed a blue pond with a pink necked flamingo. Of course, Kapil wanted to go. But like any dutiful son would, he first asked his parents.

His parents were racked with dismay. His mother thought just how much she would miss her son’s company in the evenings, while his father thought just how much he would miss the whiskey that his son brought home for him in the evenings.

It wasn't much of a gate, but one hell of a bridge

It wasn't much of a gate, but one hell of a bridge

But they smiled outwardly when their son asked Should I go to San Francisco?

-There’s too much beauty there…and by beauty I mean crime, the mother said.

-It’s not much of a gate, said the father, showing him a photo of the Golden Gate bridge.

These were persuasive arguments. Kapil declined the job offer.

Now there worked in the same bank as Kapil a man by the name of Amir. Continued…

Posted in Uncategorized.


The Joy Of Living Forever

Many human beings envy vampires because they are immortal. But living forever is vastly overrated – you have no idea what it does to the sinuses and the dry cleaning bills.

But sometimes life serves reminders of why an eternal existence might very well be worth it. It allows one to relive the magical moments that Shakespeare spoke about:

The earth hath bubbles, as the water has,
And these are of them.

Here is one such video full of many moments that I would not mind reliving over and over again.

The Beatles Rockband Intro from Stephane coedel on Vimeo.

Posted in Ruminations.


A Story in Which A Government Official Does Not Take a Bribe

King Vikram wore a bristling look on his moustache. It was the look of a man determined to kill a vampire. My self-survival instincts kicked in. As soon as he carried me on to his back, I began to tell a story.

-Let me tell you a story O’ King, I began. At the end of the story, I will ask you a question. If you know the answer to the question and speak it to me, I will fly away. But beware! If you know the answer to the question and remain silent, your head will break into a thousand pieces.

She was at the age when Indian youth get a burning desire to travel to the very lands that their film stars once visited to sing, dance and experience the first pangs of love.

She was at the age when Indian youth get a burning desire to travel to the very lands that their film stars once visited to sing, dance and experience the first pangs of love.

-Humph, the King said dismissively.

In the town of Bombay O’ King, I began anyway, there lived the daughter of a man. Not just any man, mind you. Her father was a powerful minister in the state’s legislature.

The girl turned seventeen, the age when Indian youth get a burning desire to travel to foreign lands — specifically the very lands that their film stars once visited to sing, dance and experience the first pangs of love.

She went to the passport office equipped with a form, and the correct application fee. Continued…

Posted in Stories.


The One Truth Applicable to All Human Beings

Why do vampires drink blood? Because it lends color to the cheeks, which helps one to mingle and be charming at a party (tomato juice can go only that far).

But I pride myself upon biting only a particular type of person – the kind that causes grief. I refer not the captain of the losing Indian cricket team captain, who does not really cause grief, but just fails to fill a void in your life. I am talking the person who gets into the workings of your life like a grain of sand in an eyeball, and causes the kind of grief Shakespeare said “swells with silence in the tortured soul”. This person could be your boss, your neighborhood bully or the person who comes to your house every Sunday mrning and levies taxes on your land.

Today I saw one such man. He had cold, gray eyes the kind that play starring roles in children’s nightmares. He seemed indifferent to the world around him as though he were a dictator, and people his playthings. His manner was gruff – a man who had seen the invention of fire, but had since skipped the discovery of spice and the invention of air conditioning. He was shouting at a young child, who had tears in its eyes.

Maybe no one gave him a chance

Maybe no one gave him a chance

I approached this cruel man with a definite aim of reducing the burden that he placed on Mother Earth. As I approached him, I heard him say to the child, “And how man times have I told you not to run ahead of me on the street. That bus nearly killed you!”

I have been around for centuries. But I frequently forget this about human beings. Like the moon breaks out of a cloudy sky, most of them come around if you give them a chance.

Posted in Ruminations.


A Story In Which A Man Plants Tomatoes During An India Pakistan War

A fire engine blared down the street. King Vikram waited for the din to die down. He reached into the canopy of my tree and hauled me on to his back. He expressed an active interest in putting an end to the pestilence that was my very existence.

I too dispensed with small talk.

-Let me tell you a story, I said . At the end of the story, I will ask you a question. If you answer the question correctly, I will escape, and fly, fly, fly away. However, if you know the answer to the question and remain silent, then your head will burst into a thousand pieces and in such a state, you will find it difficult to look good in your family photographs.

In the early 1970's when disco was a figment of our collective imagination, there broke out a war between India and Pakistan

In the early 1970's when disco was a figment of our collective imagination, there broke out a war between India and Pakistan

- In the early nineteen seventies O’ King, I began, when disco was just a shining figment of our collective imagination, there broke out a war between India and Pakistan.

As you well know, the worst affected in a war are the people that don’t have to watch it on TV — I refer to the people near the field of battle. One such person was an old man who lived in a village near the border between India and Pakistan. The man was renowned for being amicable towards the people of both countries, a true internationalist. But the first casualty of war is individuality. No sooner than the first bomb hit the ground, he ceased to be anything but a Pakistani, for the maps said that it was in Pakistan that his village lay. Continued…

Posted in Stories.


Why I Don’t Kill King Vikram

Some of you have written in asking me why I continue to discern between the head of King Vikram and a particularly juicy tomato? Why don’t I instead take a bite off his neck? Surely it would make sense kill the one person who wants to kill me, and transform my immortality into a thing of certainty?

I keep my teeth to itself because mortality has its charms. Mortality keeps me on my toes. It keeps me curious.

The very curiosity that compelled me to jump out of my branch first thing in the morning, just so I could follow my neighborly barn owl. Today, I just did that. And it well worth my while.

I found out that all owls don’t hoot. Some hiss. I also found out that all snakes don’t hoot. And owls are not poisonous.

All of this I found out today, because I was scared that King Vikram might kill me tomorrow.  I woke up and ran and ran and ran. There’s that song by Pink Floyd for immortals:

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tum Tum Tum La La La La
One day you find
Ten years have got behind you
But there’s no reason to worry is there
There’s ten more years and many after that, so why care.

The version for mortals is so much better:

Posted in Ruminations.


In Which A Man Wins The Love Of A Woman Through Deceit (Conclusion)

The first part of the story can be read here. The Conclusion is presented below.

In Which A Man Wins The Love Of A Woman Through Deceit (Conclusion)

-You should not have told her about me, and how I used tired tricks to help you win her affection, his friend told Vijay.

-Nonsense, said Vijay. She doesn’t mind in the least. In fact she likes and trusts you. Why else would she give you an envelope to take to her aunty in America?

-Because she wants to get me arrested at the airport.

As Vijay stared incredulously, his friend opened the envelope and white grains of sand like those from an hourglass whose time has run out, poured on to the table.

-Surely…surely that’s talcum powder, said Vijay.

-Inhale it, said his friend. Vijay did so and felt strong and needlessly optimistic.

-I don’t know what to say, he said as the truth surged pleasantly within him.

-Don’t say anything, his friend said. Act. Else you stand the chance of losing her forever.

The exchanging of Facebook passwords is the ultimate sign of trust between two human beings

The exchanging of Facebook passwords is the ultimate sign of trust between two human beings

His friend asked Vijay to conduct a ceremony with his girlfriend, one that involved the ultimate exchange of trust between two human beings — the exchanging of Facebook passwords.
Continued…

Posted in Stories.


In Which A Man Wins The Love Of A Woman Through Deceit

warning

A man in love doesn't pay heed to the simplest warnings

It was a nice evening. Even the bats were in a good mood. Of course, King Vikram had to spoil it all by walking up to my tree, hauling me on to his back and threatening to kill me.

I resorted to my usual routine.

-Listen up, O’ King, I said. I will tell you a story. At the end of the story, I will ask you a question. if you tell me the answer to the question, I will escape and fly away. But beware! If you know the answer to the question and remain silent, your head will burst into a thousand pieces.

-Proceed Foul Devil! King Vikram said rather rudely.

-Ok, here you go, I began gamely. Not very long ago in a town not very far away lived a boy named Vijay. One day Vijay saw a girl. As he gazed at her, the earth became fragrant with tulips and lilacs and such, and Vijay began driving on the left hand side of the road as though he were not in India, but in some other country.

When he nearly came under an approaching truck for the third day in a row, he knew that he was in love.

Vijay did what most young men in love do. He went to his friend and told him that without this girl, his life would be emptier than a church on Monday morning.
Continued…

Posted in Stories.


Why Human Beings Need Vampires

Look at Paul. Paul is buying an iPhone. Paul looks happy, but his smile masks a slight uneasiness.

Paul know that the new release of the iPhone runs at twice the speed of the prior version and has more apps than drops in an ocean. But Paul knows it will surely pale in comparison to the next release of the device, that in addition to having an inbuilt radio is also rumored to carry a cure for HIV/AIDS.  In the moment of his purchase, Paul feels insignificant and dispensable.

saguaro

Will not be improved upon by Steve Jobs

It is evening. Paul stands next to a thousand year old saguaro cactus in the desert. His ancestors have rested in its venerable shadow for centuries upon centuries.

The moon swells with orange and bursts out of the clouds. Paul sees a vampire hover in the sky and head towards him. As the vampire zeroes in on Paul, he experiences a column of fear run up the length of his body.

The fear is terrifying, but it is also a comforting feeling. For Paul is quick to recognize that this cold foreboding is as old as time itself.

Posted in Ruminations.


A Story in Which A Man Laughs Even As He Is Dying

As a vampire, I never feel hungry. But this evening I wasn’t even feeling thirsty. I was sitting on my tree branch minding my own business when King Vikram hauled me on to his back and started walking towards a place where he intended to kill me.

-Listen up O’ King, I said, I will tell you a story. At the end of the story, I will ask you a question. If you know the answer and speak it to me, I will escape and fly away. However, if you know the answer and remain silent, your head will burst into a thousand pieces, in which case you will find it impossible to floss your teeth effectively.

Near the West Coast of America, O’ King, I began, is the relatively inscrutable state of Texas.

Surely, it's smaller than Dallas

Surely, it's smaller than Dallas

The citizens of this state live in a daily fear of its Supreme Court, an institution staffed with judges that are extremely quick to judge. “Guilty is the most popular word heard within the hallowed halls of the Texan Supreme Court, followed by “Surely, it’s not bigger than Dallas”.

One day a young boy by the name of Marc found himself accused of a particularly heinous crime. Marc was innocent of the the crime. In fact, he was largely a innocent fellow – he hadn’t even been on a third date with a girl (something he had rather been looking forward to).

Marc was a young man — but a proud one. He held his head upright even as the prosecution sprayed a dizzying assortment of allegations on his blameless character. Even the judge kept forming his fingers into imaginary quotation marks every time he said the words “innocent.” On such occasions, Marc’s eyes flashed with anger. Continued…

Posted in Stories.